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notalwaysright_feed
Boss: "[Coworker], you said you had two sons."
Coworker: "That's right."
Boss: "Didn't you say you were going to bring them?"
Coworker: "I did!"
Boss: "Wonderful! Where are they?"
Coworker: "Under my desk?"
notalwaysright_feedRead When It’s Your First Pay Check, Do Nuts!
Teen: "I just got paid for the first time ever. You know what that means?"
Me: "Questionable financial decisions?"
notalwaysright_feedRead Be Quiet, Or The Drama Will Become A Murder Thriller
My coworker is a drama magnet; she always has a problem with someone and wants to include anyone and everyone who will listen to her complain. Today, she is mad at her sister for not answering her phone. We are about to start a meeting when she sits beside me.
notalwaysright_feedRead One Fine Day With A Woof And A Purr… Part 4
A customer walks up holding four large tins of cat food that are heavily discounted.
Customer: "These are on sale, right?"
Me: "Yes!"
Customer: "Perfect. My dog will eat anything."
notalwaysright_feedRead Don’t Plug It In Near A Curtain!
A customer comes up to the counter holding a phone charger.
Customer: "This is $24.99 here. I found it for $1.83 on Temu. You guys price match, right?"
I try not to laugh.
notalwaysright_feedRead It’s Raining Cats And Dogs And HR Violations
Eavesdropping Coworker: "Wait, did you say you had dogs?"
Coworker: "Yes, I have two."
Eavesdropping Coworker: "And you're going to get rid of them… right?"
Coworker: "Uh… no? Why would I do that?"
notalwaysright_feedRead A Very Charitable Interpretation Of The Website’s Wording
I work in a second-hand store. Basically, everything in the store is donated to be sold to raise money to help those in need. We'll take most things, but sometimes we have to turn things away, like in this phone call:
Read A Very Charitable Interpretation Of The Website’s Wording
cakewrecks_feedSummer is the reward students get for successfully completing another year of educational excellence. Or for partying all year and flunking out. (Nobody said life was fair, kids.)
So while graduation season may be over, I think it's time our bakers had a little summer schoolin'.
Bakers? Welcome to "How-To-Spell-'Congratulations'-101."
I can see it's going to be a long day.
Alright, let's practice: C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S. See? Now you try.
I dare you to read that aloud.
("Comgratatum?")
Try again.
G, you shouldn't have.
No, really.
And don't think I'm not on to your latest scheme, bakers. You know, the one where you just pipe a heap of scribbles halfway through the word and hope no one notices?
Cheater.
The best part is how you can still clearly see those last two are misspelled. Next time just chuck some High School Musical flotsam on there.
At this point, even I have forgotten how to spell it. I would "COHGRADULITTE" you, bakers, but I don't think I can handle that level of irony.
Let's try a new approach: just shorten it to "Congrats!" That's easy enough, right?
*sigh*
What is wrong with you people?
For a wild, hopeful second there I thought this had something to do with comic conventions starting up week:
"Watch out for those Con Rats!"
...but then I realized I it was a different kind of "con." Rats.
Well, you've all failed the course, bakers. So, hey, get out there and continue collecting a paycheck for brutalizing the English language! Woo! Yeah!
Oh, and kids? Stay in school. Or don't.
Honestly, your bakery manager probably won't give a con rat's @ss.
Thanks to Nancy H., Jessica E., Julia L., Michelle W., Meghan H., Amanda N., Julie D., Elizabeth B., & Bailey for the pep talk!
*****
P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:
P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
notalwaysright_feedRead This Kid Has Drive
My six-year-old son is autistic and loves buses. We're waiting for the bus to the hospital for a speech and language appointment when he suddenly states.
Son: "I want to drive the bus, mummy."
Read This Kid Has Drive
notalwaysright_feedRead Another Win For The Olympics
Younger Man: *Calmly.* "It's really not seen as taboo anymore. It's basically wearable art. I can show you the piece I've designed with the artist."
Older Gentleman: "I don't care. I keep telling you, tattoos are classless and ridiculous. How will anybody take you seriously? You'll look like a thug!"
notalwaysright_feedRead Phone Plans Foiled His Plans
I log on to find three phone orders from the same client, all of which are for $0 phones on new two-year contracts. I pull up his file and see that he is currently on a two-year contract that he's only been on for a few months.
I figure this is possibly just him looking to add a few lines to his account (though in my experience, those chances were small).
notalwaysright_feed(My family and I are taking a car trip to Greenville when a Fiona Apple song comes on the radio.) Song: “I’ve been a bad, bad, girl…” Brother: *from the third row, in an extremely sultry voice* “Mmm, spank me, Daddy.” (Everyone in the car cracks up. My dad turns around and glares at my […]
notalwaysright_feedRead An Alarming Lack Of Alarm, Part 5
One day, the fire alarm went off. No warning, it just started howling. I'm the designated fire safety guy on our staff, and I have drilled the students (and staff) to exit calmly whenever this happens, using THE NEAREST EXIT. This is important, otherwise we end up having 350 people all trying to leave by the main exit, which will increase the time it takes for everybody to exit the building, up to fifteen minutes instead of less than two.
notalwaysright_feedMy husband’s siblings are not the most in-shape people out there. Their parents are from the mid-west so they are really picky eaters, preferring greasy fast food over more “exotic” foods like apple cider and artichokes. Their roommate, who is a health nut, is trying to expand their pallet but that is a story for […]
notalwaysright_feed
The next significant concern is the check-in process. You are asked to type your full name on a touchscreen. You are given a full, large-print QWERTY keyboard to touch on the screen.
This is a confusing process for many. One person shouts letters at the screen. Another believes some letters of the alphabet are missing. Some touch too lightly, while my mother presses too hard, spelling her name with an enthusiastic EEEEEEEEEEEEEE. The space bar exists, but no one can find it.
notalwaysright_feedRead When The Customer Is A Complete Nothingburger
Customer: "Oi. Got anything like a burger?"
Me: "We’ve got crispy aromatic duck or barbecue pork. Closest we’ve got to a burger is a pork bun. No fries."
Customer: "That’s mad. What kind of restaurant doesn’t have a burger?"
Me: "A Chinese one. At five in the morning."
notalwaysright_feedRead Customer Complaints Now Include – *Checks Notes* – Not Allowing Children To Get Heatstroke
Dad: *Sheepishly.* "We’re just looking to cool down for a bit. We won’t be in the way."
Me: "That’s absolutely fine. The AC doesn’t check receipts."
They stand quietly near the fans and cooling units, clearly just catching their breath and letting the kids sit for a minute. No fuss. Another customer marches up to the checkouts.
Customer: "You really just let people hang around without buying anything? They’re hogging all the cold air."
Read Customer Complaints Now Include – *Checks Notes* – Not Allowing Children To Get Heatstroke
notalwaysright_feedRead The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 30
I’m shelving travel guides when two customers walk over and start flipping through a Europe travel book.
Customer #1: "Okay, so we’ll do London, then hop a train to Barcelona."
Customer #2: "Wait, can you even take a train under the ocean?"
notalwaysright_feed - No One Here Is Kiddingnotalwaysright_feed - When It’s Your First Pay Check, Do Nuts!notalwaysright_feed - (no subject)notalwaysright_feed - Be Quiet, Or The Drama Will Become A Murder Thrillernotalwaysright_feed - One Fine Day With A Woof And A Purr… Part 4notalwaysright_feed - Don’t Plug It In Near A Curtain!notalwaysright_feed - It’s Raining Cats And Dogs And HR Violationsnotalwaysright_feed - A Very Charitable Interpretation Of The Website’s Wordingcakewrecks_feed - BEWARE THE CON RATSnotalwaysright_feed - This Kid Has Drivenotalwaysright_feed - Another Win For The Olympicsnotalwaysright_feed - Phone Plans Foiled His Plansnotalwaysright_feed - (no subject)notalwaysright_feed - An Alarming Lack Of Alarm, Part 5notalwaysright_feed - (no subject)notalwaysright_feed - Touch-Scream Interfacenotalwaysright_feed - (no subject)notalwaysright_feed - When The Customer Is A Complete Nothingburgernotalwaysright_feed - Customer Complaints Now Include – *Checks Notes* – Not Allowing Children To Get Heatstrokenotalwaysright_feed - The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 30![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}